I thought I was a person that could let things go, but I have realized that letting things go is much more than I was doing. I also have found that when things start to accumulate then forgiveness is not happening. When I am upset, I talk about it to people I am extremely close to and trust, pray about it and/or write about it. I thought if I did one or all of these three things, then I was in the process of letting the hurt, pain, and disappointment go. Well, I was wrong, or I have entered into a new kind of not forgiving, which is resentment.
I am not a resentful or jealous person, so it took me a while to recognize and then acknowledge that I am resentful toward specific people in my life. I have such a hectic schedule that I did not even know that this was a problem from me. It was in my discipleship class when we started to learn about forgiveness that I believe that this process started for me. We had to list the people who have offended us, and we needed to forgive, and the people we offended and we had to ask for their forgiveness. This sounds so easy, but is not, at least not for me. I mean I was just totally stumped by this very simple exercise. The thing is, it wasn't simple at all. It was very personal and hard to talk about. In the end the answer to both questions for me was infinity. I just figured out that I probably offend people daily and I am not even aware of it. It is just the nature of being human and on the planet.
The second thing that happened was a conversation I had with a co-worker, who I have supported, defended and protected. I returned to work after my mother's surgery and was slowly getting adjusted to being back at work. It was such a stressful time that my blood pressure had sky rocketed. I was losing things, losing my temper and just exhausted and tired of feeling helpless. I was finally feeling better, mom's surgery went well and she was successfully moved to rehab. I started to feel as if my family was going to make it through the holidays. It was at this point that my co-worker commented that I was looking better and acting more like myself. She then commented that my mom's surgery was no big deal, it was just a hip replacement, and that when a member of her family had open heart surgery he was at the hospital by himself, none of the family was with him. Now, I had to stop mentally and emotionally for a moment when she said this. I know that her family member had died, and that she was not able to attend the funeral because of family conflict, but I did not know what the family member died of. I then also remembered her asking me before I took leave was it really necessary for me to be at the hospital for my mom's surgery. My answer was yes. I was too out of it when she asked me to ask why would she ask me such a question.
The truth of the matter is she is angry at herself and is taking it out on me. As she continued to talk she told me how she nor any of her family members were at the hospital when her family member had open heart surgery and that the person died after the operation. She went on to tell me that what I was going through was not a big deal at all. This was a person who had been so supportive, and now she was not only judging me but attacking me for my decisions. It took all my power at that moment not to slap her. Instead I asked her a few questions and learned that based on her decisions she was not there when her family member needed her. I then asked her why she didn't call someone from her church to be there with her family member. She said, "We don't ask for help, we take care of our own." My response was, "That sounds like pride to me, everyone needs help sometimes." This person is a fellow Christian, but at that moment she was not acting like one. Another co-worker's ministry is to visit people in the hospital and deliver groceries when they come home. My mom used to visit people in the hospital when they were sick as part of her ministry. I thought that was what being a Christian in ministry was about, serving and helping others.
I was so angry at my co-worker that I kept my distance from her for the next several days. I no longer trust her. I thought she was supporting me through a difficult time in my life, I had no idea that she was judging me and taking out her anger of her decisions on me. I didn't even know her when her family member passed, so I am totally innocent of any wrong doing, but the way I handled my mother's surgery offended her because she has not forgiven herself for her decisions and still feels guilty about it. Her loved one died almost a decade ago and instead of forgiving herself for what happened she harbors resentment towards me. I have to forgive her for her resentment and judgement of me, and pray that God will touch her heart so that she will forgive herself and others.
Forgiving, I am learning is a process. It is something that I have to do continuously. I can forgive my co-worker, but I know she may say something that will make me angry again, and I will have to forgive her again. I have to lean on God to have the strength to continue to forgive her and the wisdom to know how to deal with her, because at the moment I have just pulled back and keeping my distance. I need God's guidance to know what to do and I know he will give it to me.
I am still angry, so I am still in the process of forgiving, which I will do. I do not want un-forgiveness to hinder my walk, my witness or my purpose in God. I know that it will and this woman is not worth all that.
In my discipleship class we are using the book "Growing in Christ" and chapter 4 is titled "Assurance of Forgiveness." The memory verse for chapter 4 is:
1 John 1:9
New International Version (NIV)
9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
Remember in college when you had required reading and then suggested reading, well as wonderful as my class is, the book "The Power of a Praying Woman" has blessed me so much. Chapter 3 is titled 'Lord Help Me Be a Forgiving Person" by Stormie Omartian. I have already read the chapter twice, but I will be reading it one more time. I need to, so I can be the forgiving person that God has called me to be. At the end of each chapter there is a prayer and Bible verses. The Bible verses are:
37 “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.
Remember in college when you had required reading and then suggested reading, well as wonderful as my class is, the book "The Power of a Praying Woman" has blessed me so much. Chapter 3 is titled 'Lord Help Me Be a Forgiving Person" by Stormie Omartian. I have already read the chapter twice, but I will be reading it one more time. I need to, so I can be the forgiving person that God has called me to be. At the end of each chapter there is a prayer and Bible verses. The Bible verses are:
Luke 6:37
New International Version (NIV)
Judging Others - This is a promise.
Proverbs 19:11
New International Version (NIV)
11 A person’s wisdom yields patience;
it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.
it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.
Matthew 5:44-45
New International Version (NIV)
44 But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.
1 John 2:11
New International Version (NIV)
11 But anyone who hates a brother or sister is in the darkness and walks around in the darkness. They do not know where they are going, because the darkness has blinded them.
Matthew 6:14-15
New International Version (NIV)
14 For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
It is my hope and prayer that you are enjoying this holiday season. Happy Holidays and Happy New Year!
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